1. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
2. My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
3. Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot.
4. Don’t trust atoms, they make up everything.
5. Doctor, there’s a patient on line 1 that says he’s invisible”
“Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”
6. My girlfriend said, “You act like a detective too much. I want to split up.” “Good idea,” I replied. “We can cover more ground that way.”
7. I saw an ad for burial plots and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.
8. I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I’ve never looked back since.
9. What’s the difference of deer nuts and beer nuts? Beer nuts are a $1.75, but deer nut are under a buck.
10. Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.
11. eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.
12. I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts’ which, on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.
13. Police have arrested the World tongue-twister Champion. I imagine he’ll be given a tough sentence.
14. Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
15. With great reflexes comes great response-ability.